August 19, 2013
by
0 comments

When you see it, REBLOG IT.

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

If you ever want to talk: My Tumblr ask is always open.

August 12, 2013
by
0 comments

Caffeine and Anxiety

So this past weekend I was social.  Now, keep in mind I do not normally have social anxiety, that isn’t something that I struggle with.  I do like to hang out with my friends.  In fact about a month ago we all went on a girls weekend together, and that was great.

But sometimes, if you do not give me enough warning ahead of time I will say yes to a social event and even though I really do want to go being at said event drains the sh!t out of me.  Especially when other people show up that I was not expecting.  It doesn’t matter if I like them or not.  I think it must have something to do with my GAD and PTSD together.

My GAD wants me to make sure that I know all the details of an event ahead of time, that way I feel like I have some control over the situation that I am going into.  My PTSD however does not like it when things come up and surprise me and it kind of takes all of my energy to tell both of them to shut it so that I can have a nice time.

So what did I do all day Sunday after being social? I spent pretty much the whole day asleep.  Which of course through of my sleep, I really only got 2 hours of sleep in and the whole time it was that “twilight” sleep.  You know, the sleep where you know you are asleep and the something bad happens and you force yourself to wake up.  I can’t even tell you how many times I forced myself to wake up last night (or technically early this morning).

Anyway, it is a work day so what do I do, I get a soda.  I do not like coffee, but I needed the caffeine.  It is kind of funny because I get a soda almost every morning, it is my coffee substitute.  Only this morning my phone rang unexpectedly and sent my heart off racing.  It pretty much hasn’t stopped since then.

I am pretty sure I have mentioned this in my previous posts about my recover and the hard time I had going through university, but the phone is one of triggers.  I used to walk down a street and think that I would hear the phone ringing and basically start speed walking and then running to get away from it.

So of course today when the phone rang out of no where, my lack of sleep and caffeine triggered an anxiety attack.  Oh goody.  Only now I have two meetings to get through and I have no idea how I’m going to stay awake through them without caffeine.  SMDH.

Well wish me luck!  As always, feel free to send me any asks.

This was originally posted at http://damaged-girl.net/?p=415

August 12, 2013
by Laney
0 comments

Caffeine and Anxiety

So this past weekend I was social.  Now, keep in mind I do not normally have social anxiety, that isn’t something that I struggle with.  I do like to hang out with my friends.  In fact about a month ago we all went on a girls weekend together, and that was great.

But sometimes, if you do not give me enough warning ahead of time I will say yes to a social event and even though I really do want to go being at said event drains the sh!t out of me.  Especially when other people show up that I was not expecting.  It doesn’t matter if I like them or not.  I think it must have something to do with my GAD and PTSD together.

My GAD wants me to make sure that I know all the details of an event ahead of time, that way I feel like I have some control over the situation that I am going into.  My PTSD however does not like it when things come up and surprise me and it kind of takes all of my energy to tell both of them to shut it so that I can have a nice time.

So what did I do all day Sunday after being social? I spent pretty much the whole day asleep.  Which of course through of my sleep, I really only got 2 hours of sleep in and the whole time it was that “twilight” sleep.  You know, the sleep where you know you are asleep and the something bad happens and you force yourself to wake up.  I can’t even tell you how many times I forced myself to wake up last night (or technically early this morning).

Anyway, it is a work day so what do I do, I get a soda.  I do not like coffee, but I needed the caffeine.  It is kind of funny because I get a soda almost every morning, it is my coffee substitute.  Only this morning my phone rang unexpectedly and sent my heart off racing.  It pretty much hasn’t stopped since then.

I am pretty sure I have mentioned this in my previous posts about my recover and the hard time I had going through university, but the phone is one of triggers.  I used to walk down a street and think that I would hear the phone ringing and basically start speed walking and then running to get away from it.

So of course today when the phone rang out of no where, my lack of sleep and caffeine triggered an anxiety attack.  Oh goody.  Only now I have two meetings to get through and I have no idea how I’m going to stay awake through them without caffeine.  SMDH.

Well wish me luck!  As always, feel free to send me any asks.

August 9, 2013
by
0 comments

Boredom and Journaling

Well this is the one hard thing I find about journaling, I get bored with it.  I am still here though for anyone who needs to talk.  Right now there is not much going on with my life that is that exciting.

I am still dealing with the situation with S’s soon-to-be ex-wife.  Well I don’t know how soon it will be because they have to be official separated for a year before they can file for divorce. Ugh!

I’m still really worried about their kids though.  I do not see things going well for them since S’s wife will get custody and she is bat-shit crazy.

I’ll try to write on here at least once every other week.

As always, feel free to send me an ask about anything. 🙂

June 27, 2013 by | 0 comments

npr:

In the U.S., more prospective parents seek to adopt white and mixed race children than black children. As a result, many agencies levy lower fees to make it easier for parents to adopt from among the large numbers of black children waiting for placement.

Six Words: ‘Black Babies Cost Less To Adopt’

Photo: Courtesy of Caryn Lantz

 

I am not sure what makes me feel worse, the fact that race is a factor for adoption fees or that NPR ran with this story.  I think they are both pretty bad.  IDK I guess its a good thing that people are aware that this something that happens, even though it is something that should not happen.

People should not be have to take into account adoption fees when it comes to adopting a child.  All children should be valued equally therefore there should be no difference in the adoption fee that is based on race.

June 27, 2013
by
0 comments

More thoughts on the Libby Thing

Normally I post earlier in the day, I know.  Sorry to shock you.  I haven’t been sleeping at night and I think part of it is because I’m not getting my emotions out during the day.  It’s weird though because I have started exercising and I thought that would help but not enough it turns out.  Last night I swear I think I only got like 3 hours of sleep, and I even slept with, well tried to sleep with, a sleeping mask.  Nothing, no sleep happened.  I finally gave up around 4:00 AM and just said screw it and I got up.

Anyway, I’m super worried about what Libby is going to do to my family now.  I really do not want her trying to use the sexual abuse that happened over two decades ago as some weird custody issue.  I really wish that my mom had never told her.  I was super mad at my mom at first; I do not know why she felt like she had the right to say anything to Libby.  She should have said, I cannot talk about it, that is something you are going to have to ask my daughter about.  But she my mom told her so that is that.  I have told my mom she really should never speak of it to anyone ever again.

I kind of feel bad for my mom because she said that it is part of our family history that we have to keep private and it feels like we can never truly share everything with anyone.  I really do not understand why she would want to share that bit of information with anyone but my mom is different than me in that way.  I think she believes that sharing things like that brings people closer together.  I have seen too much hatred in this world to ever believe that.

My mom wants all of us to be super close as a family; it was the way her family was before she married my dad.  After she married my dad things kind of changed, mostly because they moved around a lot and she was not able to be as close with everyone as she used to be.  You have to understand, my mom comes from a family where they had Sunday dinner every week with her parents, grandparents, her 4 aunts and 2 uncles (and their respective spouses), and of course all of the grandkids.  It was a big family and they all stayed close through these Sunday dinners.  After my mother’s mom passed away those connections became even more necessary for her.

So to go from a family like that to marrying into my dad’s family where my dad and his parents barely got along and he did not get along with his sister, well it was a huge culture shock for her.  I think she has always been trying to replace that loss of family that happened when she and my dad got married.  Which is why I think she told Libby; normally, my mom is a really good judge of character but when it comes to trying to be accepted she is not able to tell who she should really trust, and whom she shouldn’t.

Anyway, this is just a short post. I think I will post more on the difference between me and my mom tomorrow.  And how I believe my adoption makes me much more keenly aware of how awful some people can be, and why I’m so much more guarded than my mom.

This was originally posted at http://damaged-girl.net/?p=412

June 27, 2013
by Laney
0 comments

More thoughts on the Libby Thing

Normally I post earlier in the day, I know.  Sorry to shock you.  I haven’t been sleeping at night and I think part of it is because I’m not getting my emotions out during the day.  It’s weird though because I have started exercising and I thought that would help but not enough it turns out.  Last night I swear I think I only got like 3 hours of sleep, and I even slept with, well tried to sleep with, a sleeping mask.  Nothing, no sleep happened.  I finally gave up around 4:00 AM and just said screw it and I got up.

Anyway, I’m super worried about what Libby is going to do to my family now.  I really do not want her trying to use the sexual abuse that happened over two decades ago as some weird custody issue.  I really wish that my mom had never told her.  I was super mad at my mom at first; I do not know why she felt like she had the right to say anything to Libby.  She should have said, I cannot talk about it, that is something you are going to have to ask my daughter about.  But she my mom told her so that is that.  I have told my mom she really should never speak of it to anyone ever again.

I kind of feel bad for my mom because she said that it is part of our family history that we have to keep private and it feels like we can never truly share everything with anyone.  I really do not understand why she would want to share that bit of information with anyone but my mom is different than me in that way.  I think she believes that sharing things like that brings people closer together.  I have seen too much hatred in this world to ever believe that.

My mom wants all of us to be super close as a family; it was the way her family was before she married my dad.  After she married my dad things kind of changed, mostly because they moved around a lot and she was not able to be as close with everyone as she used to be.  You have to understand, my mom comes from a family where they had Sunday dinner every week with her parents, grandparents, her 4 aunts and 2 uncles (and their respective spouses), and of course all of the grandkids.  It was a big family and they all stayed close through these Sunday dinners.  After my mother’s mom passed away those connections became even more necessary for her.

So to go from a family like that to marrying into my dad’s family where my dad and his parents barely got along and he did not get along with his sister, well it was a huge culture shock for her.  I think she has always been trying to replace that loss of family that happened when she and my dad got married.  Which is why I think she told Libby; normally, my mom is a really good judge of character but when it comes to trying to be accepted she is not able to tell who she should really trust, and whom she shouldn’t.

Anyway, this is just a short post. I think I will post more on the difference between me and my mom tomorrow.  And how I believe my adoption makes me much more keenly aware of how awful some people can be, and why I’m so much more guarded than my mom.

June 19, 2013
by
0 comments

In Conculsion; There is NO Conculsion

So I am still really bent out of shape over this whole thing with Libby and my family.  None of us have told N what Libby said, we are still trying to decide if we should.  I think we should because Libby has a big mouth and cannot be trusted.  Mom and Dad think that we shouldn’t tell him. S is pissed off at Libby but also does not want to tell N.  Now we all have to deal with the fact that Libby will not let the kids be around N, for a totally illegitimate reason.

If my parents had not done anything with N it would be a different story.  That is not the case, my parents believed me, so I got lucky.  They even called Child Protective Services on their own son!  I mean how hard must have that been?  They did it though because it was the right thing to do.  They knew that N needed help and that they were going to have to get it for him.

I know some people believe that you cannot reform sexual abusers; and in some cases that is true.  If the abuser does not want to change their behavior they will not, they will just keep on abusing.  However, if the abuser wants to change and actively commits to change and has the support of his or her family, well then they can change.  They can be reformed if they accept responsibility for their actions and recognize what they did was wrong.

N did that, and it was not just an overnight process for him.  He went to therapy and family therapy from the time that he was 13 years old well into adulthood.  The fact that Libby could even think that he would be capable of doing something like that again makes me sick and pretty much makes me wish that we were not connected to her in any way at all.  Unfortunately we now share two kids with her, which hopefully we will still get to see.

I am pretty sure that Mom and S could not handle it if Libby did the same thing that Tanya did.  I also think that S needs to get fixed since when he and Libby finally do get divorced I am sure he will not be able to stay out of a relationship for very long.  No more kids for S!  Nope, I’m not going through this mess a third time.

So that is the situation I have been dealing with for the past couple of weeks, maybe even a month now.  Thankfully I have not seen Libby since this whole thing started.

However, she just emailed me out of the blue and asked if I still wanted to go to the zoo with her and the kids.  UGH!!!  Why couldn’t just be with the kids.  I really want to go with the kids but I do not want to go with her.

She wanted to do something this Sunday but luckily I already have plans so that worked out.  I am just really worried if I keep putting it off she will tell me that I can’t see the kids anymore.  This whole thing is a mess!!!

This was originally posted at http://damaged-girl.net/?p=408