The longest day…. (NC-17 content)

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Hi world! I’ve marked this entry NC-17 because the extended entry is going to be graphic and I don’t want to offend any little kiddies. But now for the G-rated portion. Okay today was another winner. LOL. Seriously I finished my Children’s Lit 1 homework at like 2:30am but it was because I kept playing with my blog instead of actually working and then I was reading Carle’s blog too so it’s not totally my fault *grin*, okay so it is but still…
Anyway I got another evil grade on my reading logs for Children’s Lit. A check minus. Unbelievable. I worked so hard on them. I swear the teacher just hates me. Maybe she is reading my blog… Hmm. Oh well. I’m taking my logs to my other Children’s Lit teacher and I’m going to have him go over them and see what he thinks. He’s the head of the department and I know he really likes me so…
Work was fun. I worked with Ana today. I actually did work. I hardly ever do work at VS but I worked my butt of today even though I was going through major PMS. I seriously almost got up close and personal with the trash can in my hallway on my way back to my apartment. But I started to feel better once I was at work and I did have fun. Ana were joking a lot and we made fun of everyone we work with. We just have fun making up stories about people. It lets the time pass. Plus Ana drove me home which was really cool.
I have to go to work tomorrow though. I thought I might have the day of because I’m suppose to work with Jared tomorrow. Well the only way I was going to be dragging my sorry butt to Braintree on a Sunday was to have him drive me. I called and left to messages and he hadn’t called back. Finally around 9pm right before Ana and I were going to close the store he called. He said the headlights from his car had been stolen, again! So he wasn’t going to be able to drive his car since it would be after sunset when the store closed. But he was borrowing his friend’s car, so if I wanted he could drive into Boston and pick me up. He was trying to make me feel guilty for the fact that he’s in the freaking suburbs right now and it will take him a half hour going in the wrong direction to pick me up. Please! I told him that it was up to him, I didn’t really need the hours, but that if he didn’t pick me up tomorrow he was going to be working by himself because that’s the only way I’m going to Braintree on a Sunday. He said that should like it was good for him, the he laughed and said no, he would come and pick up. I was so hopefully for about 2 seconds that I wouldn’t have to go to work (side note: Morty just barked in his sleep, totally cute!) But no, stupid Jared is going to come and pick me up. I told Ana after I hung up that I was praising God when Jared said he wasn’t gonna pick me up and that I would have even gone to Church because I was so thankful. Seriously I’m PMS’ing. I don’t want to work. Anyway now I’m not going to church because there is no way I’m going to make it back from mass before 10am because there is no way I could get my sorry butt out of bed before 8am on a Sunday, it’s just evil to be up before 8 on a sunday, evil!
Well here comes the portion of my log that is not rated for little kiddies. If you are under the age of 17 please do not read any futher…


So I’m writing about something that has been bugging for about a week now. I’m in this pseudo relationship with a guy, we’ll say his name is Vincent, because right now I’m really in love with Vincent D’Onofrio. Anyway we have been seeing each other on and off for awhile and yes we have had sex, hey I said this was NC-17. Well anyway Vincent is a really kind and sweet guy. I like him a lot. I don’t want to marry him but he is good for right now.
Anyway normally when we have sex either he is on top or I’m am, we haven’t really done anything abnormal. But the thing is I’ve never, not once, had an orgasm, and I read some where that sometimes if the guy goes from behind it can cause a better orgasm. So when Vincent suggested it I said sure. Well here is the thing I have had sex in this manner before, but not willingly.
When I was raped the guy first but a knife on my stomach and made me lay there, then he made me get up and get on my hands and knees and went at me. Now since I’ve had sex since then and in the normal positions without a problem I didn’t think trying it from behind would be a problem.
At first it was fine. Everything was great but then something happened I just felt the tears start coming down my face. It was like I wasn’t even in my body anymore. I felt my face being buried in the pillows and I couldn’t do anything to stop it but at the same time I felt totally ashamed and guilty because I didn’t want to ruin things for Vincent because I knew it was him. But the feeling in my chest and in my stomach, I couldn’t stop crying, but I was quite.
Then he finally pulled out. I was going to get up and just go to the bathroom and try and collect myself. But he could tell something was wrong and asked me and I just crumpled up into a ball and started crying. He held me and I couldn’t tell. I just couldn’t. I told him that it wasn’t him. I didn’t know why I was crying. But the truth was that I was having flashes of my rape and that’s why I was crying. Vincent was great though. He just held me and he kept saying he was sorry, he shouldn’t have suggested having sex that way. I mean he didn’t really know what was going on, I’ve never talked in detail about my rape with him. In fact the whole thing had slipped from my mind until this happened. I felt so bad. I didn’t mean to him to think that he was doing anything wrong. I guess it was just the whole feeling of being helpess.
Then yesturday I was just hanging around the house and I had another flashback and I felt myself start to slip. I got it together though. I told myself that I was strong. I had made it this far and I could keep going. Still though I am a little worried because I haven’t had flashbacks for a while and I am on the Effexor so it should be helping. I guess I’ll have to talk with my doctor and see what to do about it.
Well anyway that’s it for now. Thanks anyone for reading this. I know there aren’t that many people out there who come here but it helps me. And hope there is someone out there who was helped by this because we are not allow. We all have set backs like this in our recovery. We just have to keep going.
Take care everyone *hugs the world goodnight*

  • oh hun…im so sorry ((((Laney))))

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