So Carle called me the other day and asked me an important question that I thought I would share with you. Did the robbery and being held at gun point bring back memories of the rape? I know I have talked about it before here but this is something that I thought I should address.
Yes I do suffer from PTSD in the worst way, however the rape was not at the forefront of my mind at the time. I am actually not sure what I thought at the time. I remember looking at the gun and thinking it was fake. I remember thinking that even if it was made out of plastic it could still shoot bullets and they could still hurt. I don’t remember anything else really. I know that while I was trying to put the money it the guys bag I saw a customer outside the store looking in and I started mouthing to him, please help us, please… He didn’t do anything, bastard.
Anyway I don’t remember what else I was thinking. Just afterwards being really upset and completely stressed out. I remember panicking because I knew there was a robbery procedure that we are suppose to follow but I couldn’t remember what it was. The other girl that was with me, Elizabeth, thought that we were going to be killed. I don’t think I thought that. I think I was in so much shock that it felt like I left my body. I kind of feel that way about the rape sometimes too. That the reason I don’t remember a lot of details from it is because once I felt that knife on me I started to go somewhere else.
Same with the child abuse. I talked to one therapist one time and told him that I don’t have any memories of anything happening before the age of seven. He asked me what if I looked a pictures. I had to think about that. I don’t really look at the pictures. I recognize that they are of my birthdays and what not but I try not too look at them. I don’t have any of those pictures up here with me in Boston. Maybe I should try too look at them the next time I go home.
The thing about the child abuse is that once my brother was removed from the house and while the whole thing was going on I’m sure there was alot of turmoil going on. I remember reading a letter a few years ago from Child Protective Services that was for my parents. In it was a recap of the session that my brother had but there was also a line about how this CPS agent hoped that my mom and dad would work out any problems that they had. I am sure it must have been hard on them, trying to figure what was best for both of their children in this situation. Sometimes I feel like the problems that my brothers have with each other stems from this whole thing and that I am partially to blame. Even though I know it’s not true.
What hurt the most from the letter was reading that my brother was trying to deny what had happened. I know now that he finally admitted it, or something like that. But it was weird reading that so many years later. I started crying when I read it because it just was so painful. Something that had taken away my childhood, seven years of my life that I don’t have any memories of at all, it was so big, and he was trying to deny it.
That happened in 2002 and it was sometime in 1999 that I was asked to write a letter to my mom or dad, I picked my mom, as if I had died and say all the things that I regretted. One of those things was never telling my brother that I forgave him for what happened and for what he did to me. Ever time I think about that letter I cry. It was so emotional, I remember crying when I wrote it. A few days later I saw my brother and I told him that I forgave him. I cried and hugged him. I don’t remember what he did, I think he was just in shock.
Anyway when I found that letter from the CPS agent I remember feeling really mad, angry, upset. I felt like calling my brother and yelling at him. Instead I just sat in the car and cried. I think that was probably better. I mean I still forgive him for it all, but it was just a shocking piece of information to get and it would have been bad for me to call him based on that and revoke, my forgiveness. I am glad that I didn’t. Because the CPS agent was writing about 13-year-old boy who was scared at the time. My brother isn’t that boy anymore. He has changed for the better. I’m very happy about his changes too and he and I have a great relationship now, even better I think now that I told him that I forgave him. I think that was the best thing for us.
I know it sounds kind of weird but I wish that someone would forgive me. For causing so much turmoil in my family. It may stem from the adoption, but I have this great feeling of non-acceptance from my family, I know it’s just in my mind. But I feel like if they had never adopted me than this would have never happened and they would have been fine. I know that doesn’t make any sense at all but that’s they way I feel. I think that’s why I feel like I need forgiveness too. I don’t want to ask for it though. I’m hoping that one day I will just stop feeling the need for it because it’s not a logical feeling, or rather it’s not a healthy one to have since none of the abuse was my fault.
Anyway I feel better now that I wrote this. I have to get going though. I must go get my eyebrows waxed this morning because tomorrow I’m going to the gym. Woohoo!
This was originally posted at http://damaged-girl.net/?p=108