So I wrote an e-mail to my mother last night and I cried for most of the time I wrote it. It was hard to put my feelings in writing. I don’t think I got it quite right but I really tried. I woke up this morning and started my period. So now I’m shaking because I don’t want to know what my mother is going to do when she reads the e-mail and because well I have my period and it always makes me really sick. Yay fun!
I’m suppose to go to a movie tonight with Jen and Jasmine. So I’m making this post now. I am posting the e-mail so that you can see it and maybe tell me what you think. Please click below to read the e-mail…
I am writing you to tell you about how I feel about everything that
happened over Christmas. I understand that you probably won’t
comprehend how or why I have the feelings that I do, I really don’t
expect you to because history tells me that you will remember things
the way you want to and that when something happens between you and me that you have a hard time seeing things from my point of view.
I guess I will start of with something basic so that you will have
something to reference. I don’t think you could possibly understand
what it is like to be adopted, mostly because you aren’t, and that
puts us in different frames of reference to start with. Being adopted
I feel grateful because it has given me a life that I would probably
never would have had if I wasn’t. But I also feel guilt, anguish,
remorse, abandoned, ashamed, unworthy, disconnected, unwanted, and a whole bunch of other emotions that I can’t even begin to name because I really am not sure what the correct wording would be for them.
Essentially one of the hardest things that I struggle with is that I
feel like a lesser member of your family because I am adopted, I feel
like I don’t belong and that I will never belong no matter how hard I
try. It doesn’t matter that everyone tells me that they love me or
that I love them, there is always this little voice inside my head
saying that I’ll screw this up, that I’m going to something wrong and
that no one will want me anymore. I know you are probably thinking
there is no way that you would never want me or not love me and that I should know that and while part of me does there is still the fact that my first mother did give me up. I know that she did it because she thought it would be best for me, I am grateful for that, but even though her intentions were good and her heart was in the right place it still hurts. I don’t know if you can understand that it feels to me that I was rejected before I was even born. I cannot really explain it. Sometimes I think that she loved me so much that’s why she knew she had to give me up, other times I feel like I was just this thing growing inside her and ruining her life. I can’t say either way. You might know for sure, and might tell me that she did love me, but I will still never know, I will always have doubts. I will still feel
that because my own birth mother didn’t love me how can I expect
anyone else to, there must be something wrong with me.
That feeling is something I’ve struggled with all of my life. It is
not going to go away, at least I don’t think it is. You shouldn’t
blame yourself for it, it isn’t because you didn’t tell me you loved
me enough, it isn’t because you weren’t a good mother, or any of the
other things that a parent worries about. It is because I have this
feeling, it’s mine, I own it, I live with it, and for me it’s the
elephant in the room that no one ever wants to talk about but is
staring at all the time. It’s just there and I think it always will
be. I know you are probably thinking that you wish there was something that you could to do to take that feeling away from me, but you can’t.
I know that makes you feel helpless and I wish it didn’t because you
feeling like that makes me feel even worse. I never told you about
this before because I didn’t want to make you feel like you did
anything wrong because this is my thing, my feelings, but I think you
probably know something about it because you and Daddy read all the
books on adoption and whatnot.
So on top of this feeling there is also my sexual abuse as a child,
which is makes me feel guilty. If you never adopted me than that
wouldn’t have happened. Todd wouldn’t had to move out of the house for a year. Maybe he and Jed would get along. Maybe it’s all my fault that they don’t. It feels like it to me. I don’t remember what they were like as kids because I was too little but I have seen the pictures and they always seemed to be fine right up until they were teenagers and to me it seems like another aggravator to the troubled that Jed and Todd have. I have talked to Jed about it some but he said that he and Todd had problems before that. He has no reason to lie to me but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I somehow added to the cause of the rift between them. I feel like I caused a break in the family because of the fact that Todd had to move out. If you never adopted me none of this would have happened. So I feel like the whole thing, Todd and Jed not getting along, is my fault.
I know everyone probably will tell me that’s not true but that’s the
way it feels to me. I can’t get rid of that feeling. I’m trying to
live with it. It gets easier a little bit everyday because I know Todd
loves me and I know he would tell me that it’s not my fault, but I
can’t help feeling like it is.
I never told you about this because well they are my feelings and I
didn’t want you tell me that they weren’t justified, that there was no
reason for me to feel that way. I know they aren’t and that it isn’t
all my fault, but I can’t help feeling that way. I wouldn’t if I could. It’s a lot to feel like your whole family would be different, even better off, if you weren’t part of it. It’s a sucky, awful, dark, depressing feeling. Really sucky. So there is some reference for you. Maybe you’ll be able to understand why I reacted as such to everything that happened.
Jed had been picking on me all weekend. I was sick and had a cold, I
wanted to sleep because it’s the best thing for a cold, rest. Jed kept
waking me up because he didn’t want me to sleep all day and then not sleep at night. He told me that my computer was set-up wrong. Just little things, but I still felt like he was picking on me.
Then you told me that he said that I kept him up till 3 am. Which is
so not true by the way and utterly ridiculous, because as I explained
to you before I wasn’t even up that late, even on the night that I had slept all day because I didn’t sleep before my flight. Anyway if Jed had a problem with me keeping him up he should have come to me and not gone to you to ask you to talk to me. I know Jed doesn’t respect me as an adult but would it have been so much to expect from you to tell him that if he had a problem with me keeping him up then he should talk to me? You tell me stuff like that all the time. I don’t afford the same kind of respect that he does?
Then the fight that he and I had, which I feel awful about Grandma
having to see but because I was stupid and tried to keep all of my
anger towards Jed bottled up I exploded at him. Inappropriate yes, but hardly a temper tantrum. He was yelling at me, I yelled back. We had a fight, grown-up brothers and sisters do that, you have a sister, you should understand that.
When you called what Jed and I had a temper tantrum I felt like you
were belittling me and what had happened. I also felt like you had
taken Jed’s side over mine and that you were blaming me for ruining
Christmas for everyone. Telling me that you would assume that I would want do something nice for the family was also hurtful. Of course I would want to do something nice for the family but it would be nice if the family would ask. You all asked me ever other time you wanted to use my laptop, why not ask me if it was okay then to instead of just attacking me? I felt like you were scolding me as if I were five years old instead of twenty-four years old, living on my own, paying my own bills, credit cards and all, and have been doing so for the last few years.
I felt like you were blaming me for the whole fight that Jed and I had
and that you were saying that I was the trouble making and the
“tantrum” causer and that I better shape up or I wasn’t going to be
allowed to come to any more family gatherings. Not a good feeling. I
still feel that way.
So if you add all of that to the feelings of not belonging to your
family that I already have I think you might begin to understand how
much you hurt me when you choose to have this conversation with me right as I was about to walk out the door. I felt like you were
telling me not to come back. I’ve read your e-mails and you say that
wasn’t what you meant. I have no reason not to believe you. But
because of my general feelings of being not quite an equal member of
your family I have built this wall around myself to try to prevent
myself from being hurt again. It’s unfair to you, I am sorry for that.
I’m trying to take that wall down but it’s very hard for me because
what you said to me, while it might not have been received as you
intended it to be, hurt me so badly and made me feel so unwelcome that I really just need time to heal. I’m so sorry. I wish this wouldn’t
have to hurt you too. I feel even worse about this because I know you are going to read this and be really upset by this but I just need
time. I have trust issues because of the abandonment issues that I
have and while I known in my heart of hearts that you would never ever intentionally hurt me or try to make me feel like I wasn’t part of
your family those issues have caused red flags to go up around me and made me to inside myself so that I can be protected from pain.
I feel awful. I wish I could make this all go away. I promise that I
am trying. I even thought about calling you today. I couldn’t though.
So I am writing you this instead. Please don’t be angry with me. I
wish you could understand what I am going through better but I want
you to know that I am trying. I just need time to sort this out in my
head because I know that it is my feelings and my issues that are the
problem. I am really sorry.
Well I would really love some comments. Let me know what you think!
This was originally posted at http://damaged-girl.net/?p=121