Life After Sexual Abuse

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My childhood after my sexual abuse was as normal as it could be given the fact that I was extremely awkward, had a tendency to over share, become emotionally attached to people much faster than they became attached to me, and expressed in myself in ways that were just not normal.  I learned a lot of my reactions from TV, tried them out, and then corrected.  Mostly because I think I was lost, but I did not want my parents to know how I felt.

After all, my brother, N, had just moved back home.  S was having trouble in school and had even threatened to drop out of school at one point.  It was kind of a rough time at our house, plus N and S were not getting along.  Which is sad, because they used to be great friends; but that was before N had to move out.

I would spend a lot of time with both of my brothers, because I wanted them to get along.  I wanted everyone to be friends again.  I really do not remember much about our life at our old house but I remember that for the most part I was happy.

Then we moved to our new house.  That was a long and hard process.  Both N and S had started college, so they were not home a lot of the time anyway.  It was just my parents, me, and S’s cat Rosie, who eventually became the family cat.  We had to live in a three bedroom two bathroom apartment for a year before we could move into our house.

When we did move in there were no kids my age that lived near me at all.  I did not meet kids that I could be friends with until I was in sixth grade.  That was when I meet Libby and Vicky.  They were both very good friends of mine at school.  Libby lived near me so sometimes I would go to her house after school and we would hang out together.

Then middle school came and I started to have to take the bus to school.  My mom was not happy about it, and a lot of the other moms too, because the bus driver did not drive the route the right way.  Anyway, that’s how I meet Luke.  He became my first friend who was a boy.  We really hit it off because Libby was not allowed to leave her house often and I would always want to hang around outside.  So Luke and I used to walk around talk.  He would tell me about his family and how his step father was a jerk.  How he didn’t want to live with his father and step mother but sometimes it was better than being with his step father.  We really bonded.

Then we started to “explore” our bodies.  We never actually dated.  He would sometimes tell me that he loved me.  But to this day I can honestly say that I have never been on a real date with anyone.  The thought of going on a date scares me half to death.

Anyway, it was in eighth grade that we started our exploring.  I was just so excited that I was able to make someone one feel good, that it felt good to be touched.  I was addicted.  I would always be looking for ways to get Luke to spend more time with me.  While at the same time trying to make sure that our parents never found out about what we were doing.

Since I used to take care of people’s dogs in the afternoon we were able to do a lot things that we would not have been able to because we had access to places where there would be no adult supervision.  At one point his step father even banned Luke from seeing me because of some stupid misunderstanding.  I refused to apologize for a month but we still saw each other all the time.  Eventually I apologized because my parents made me, even though I did nothing wrong.

The only reason we did not have sex was because I was not ready for it.  I would tell Luke that we were too young for that.  He even said one time that he knew of other people our age that were having sex.  I never felt right about the idea of having sex though, because no one knew about us.  I asked him about it one time and he said he thought it was much nicer that it was just something that was between us, that not everyone else knew about it.

However, I had no quails about doing other things that were not actual intercourse.  I mean after all, this is the same boy who I gave a hand job to in the back of my parents’ car, while my dad was driving.  Sometimes, because I was not allowed to have boys in the house we would use my screened in back porch and cover ourselves with our coats and clothes.  Even though at any given time my parents could come home and see us through the kitchen windows, or someone could walk by and see us through the screen door.

That was my first encounter with my hypersexuality.  However, I had promised myself, for some reason, that I would never have sex before I turned 14 because I was worried that I would get pregnant.  I was sure of this fact because my birth mother had me when she was 14, so there was no way that I was going to do the same thing.  Half way through our freshman year of high school, before “the sex thing” became an issue again, his step father and him got really bad fight.  He was kicked out of the house and basically had to go live with his dad.  I was heartbroken, because I was losing my best friend, and kind of boyfriend.

For the next 3 years I did not date anyone.  I liked guys, but I was never brave enough to say anything.  Then in senior year Luke told me he was moving back home.  I thought things were going to go back to the way they were, they didn’t.  Luke told me that he had sex about a year ago.  I was devastated, but I did not know what to say.  Although, it did not really matter, as it turned out Luke was having problems with his own sexuality.  A few weeks after school started he told me that he was bisexual, and then a month later he decided that he was just gay.

That was when I decided that I was going to have to get a boyfriend.  Not only was I going to have to get a boyfriend but I was going to have to have sex with him.  I was going to prove to myself that I had done nothing wrong with Luke and that the whole thing was his issue, not mine.  Of course by thinking that I knew that was thinking that I had done something that had “turned” Luke gay.  I felt that I was the abnormal, socially awkward girl again, that everyone was looking at me like I was broken.  If I had sex with a boy and he didn’t become gay then there was nothing wrong with me.

This was originally posted at http://damaged-girl.net/?p=324