So an Anonymous user sent this ask into me. I am going to answer it but I am putting the whole thing under a cut because I think it may offend some of my followers or be a trigger for them.
So Anon, I was very conflicted about answering your question because this is a very serious blog and I do not take the questions that people send me lightly. There have been a few people that me sent me questions that have not published to respect their privacy.
However, you did reach out to me and I am hoping that it is because you are genuinely concerned about the well being of your brother. You were 10 years old so I am assuming that you probably did not have the “sex talk” from your parents yet so part of the situation stemmed from the fact that most parents wait too long to tell children about sexual abuse and what is considered sexual abuse.
If you believe in Freud we all go through stages where we as children we are exploring our bodies and we do not really understand why we are getting pleasure from certain sensations but based on social norms we do not feel that it is appropriate it discuss what we are doing in public, with anyone.
This in no way excuses what happened or what you did. I want to make that very clear. You are your brother’s older sibling, he looked up to you and you abused the trust that he placed in you. I am not saying this to make you feel worse but I am saying this as a statement of facts and so you can try to understand how he feels about it.
By the age 5 most children start to develop permanent memories. As such it is very likely that your brother does remember what you did to him. However, since you denied it happened he will not confront you about it.
If you truly want him to heal and be able to have healthy relationships than what you need to do is sit down with your parents and him. You need to tell them all at once what you did and then just wait for them to say their piece. It will suck for you, I am not going to lie. However, I think that it is time that you allow your brother to start to heal and the only way for him to do that is for you to tell him what you did and let him know how truly sorry you are for sexually abusing him.