PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Rape, Adoption and Relationships

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I am slightly conflicted about making this post.  I do not think anyone thing that I have experienced in my live has affected my ability to be in a relationship.  Honestly, to me anyway, it seems like it is a combination of all of these things.

First, the sexual abuse affected my sexuality.  I am hyper-sexual, in control for the most part, sometimes I still allow myself to be put into situations that were not safe for me.  I gave my number to some random guy in a club one time.  NEVER EVER DO THIS!  Seriously, it is just bad news.  I have made out with random strangers in a club, yeah that actually just happened this summer.  However, I knew that I was not going home with that guy.  There were times where I was so drunk that I didn’t know.  Luckily I never went to clubs without at least two friends with me who cared enough about me to make sure that I left the club with them.  They also did not judge me, which is awesome.

The rape, yeah I’ve talked about this before.  I have a really hard time trusting guys that are my own age or who are younger than me.  I seriously do not believe that anything ever good will come from them.  If they hold the door for me or look at me for too long the hair on the back of my neck stands up.  I flee, or at least try to find an exit strategy.  It is always my first assumption that these men are only looking for sex.  I like sex, a lot, but on my own terms, plus I would never bring a guy back to my house.  Then he would know where I lived.  Thank you for that extra paranoia PTSD, cause I needed that.  Well it keeps me from sleeping from some random stranger so I guess that is a good thing.

Then there is the adoption.  I know that I have said many times that my parents love me and have always been good to me.  However, the fact that my birth mother gave me up, well it stings a little.  It gives me trust issues.  So that of course mucks up any long term relationships that I am in.

Bottom line is that I normally only date older man, like 10 years older than me.  I am working on it though.  I would like to find someone who is not that much older than me and who is open to marriage.  The problem is that I have to be open to it first.

As always, if you have any other questions or just need someone to talk to then go ahead and leave a comment or send me an ask via tumblr.

This was originally posted at http://damaged-girl.net/?p=381