So about a month ago I was in what they call an “RPG” or Role Play Group for this book series that I am not the hugest fan of. I was doing it for my friend though, because she wanted me there and then some stupid stuff happened with some of the other players and I got “too emotional” and “too sensitive” and basically as kicked out of the group.
Of course all of this was happening at the same time that I have being going to through all of this shit with my family. One week S is moving out, the next week he isn’t. Then he says to my parents that “maybe he should just commit suicide” cause doesn’t like what my mom is saying to him. My mom is worried that N is losing weight too fast. My dad was in the hospital.
So yeah, sorry that I might seem “too emotional” and “too sensitive”, ugh I hate when people say that to me. It just makes me feel like they are not respecting my emotions or me as a person at all. And I would understand if I was a drama queen, but I have all this other shit going on in my life right now so pardon me if my ability to compartmentalize is a little bit taxed right now. I use most of my energy to get through the day and make sure I don’t have a break down at work. Yeah, because me having a job and being able to keep a roof over my head is like my top priority.
Anyway, it has really made me think about a lot of other things too. Mostly because I wanted to figure out why I was so torn up about this, and leaving the group. I mean I was fine with being kicked out because I wanted to save my friendship. Yeah it sucked to lose touch with the other players but they weren’t real friends and I was trying to save the friendship that I had. It also sucked because I did feel like my friend was not respecting my emotions at all. The worst part is she just wants to “move on”. I do not do that well. I hate that. I am sorry but she said that I called her a liar, when I didn’t, and then cut off contact with me for like a week and half. And we used to talk every day.
It is no secret that I have abandonment issues. My friend knows this because I’ve told her and she knows about the adoption and she has some firsthand knowledge herself. I lost a really close friend of mine about 9 months ago, because I could not be there for her in the way that she wanted me to. It broke me up, it still does when I think about it. And this woman knew all this but she still put me through hell for a week and half even after I told her that I wasn’t calling her a liar.
So now I am mad because she does not want to talk about it. I just don’t know. She says everything is okay but it does not feel okay to me at all.
The other thing that is really bothering me and why I am so sad today is this: Why am I always the friend that messages/calls/emails first? I do not understand this at all. I always feel like I am the one that is trying so hard to keep all of my friendships a float. And it sucks!! I don’t want to be mad at my friends but I am now that I think about it. I would like for once, just once, for one of them to call me or text me and be like, hey, do you want to go do something today? Is that so much to ask?
I have never had that kind of friend. So I have to wonder, what is wrong with me? Why do I always seem to pick people to be friends with who don’t call me? Or, do I do something that makes people feel like they shouldn’t call me? I just don’t know. I wish I could figure it out. My parents are the same way. I am always calling them first. I am so tired of this. LIKE SO TIRED!