TW – Trigger Warning – FML

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FML

Seriously.  So in my life outside of the internet I am very shy and very introverted.  It takes me along time to trust people.  This could be from any number of things: my adoption, my sexual abuse, my rape, or being held up at gun point.  Who knows, but I have serious trust issues.  I only trust very people who actually know me, my real name and what not, with my secrets.  It seems odd considering the fact that I blog about it, but I do not tell you people who I am or how to find me.

So my trust issues mixed with my anxiety disorder makes for a very needy, clingy, but loyal friend.  I sometimes tell people bits and pieces because I do not want to scare them off.  Am I ashamed of what has happened to me, probably there is a little bit of shame about the rape, because if I wasn’t me but I knew all about me well I would go running as fast as I could in the other direction.  But I am stuck with me.

Last year, well almost last year, one of the people who knew all of my secrets decided she could no longer be my friend.  I do not blame her, she needed me and as much as I wanted to be there for her I could not.  I knew that she might end our friendship over it, but there was just no way around it.  I had warning for this though, so I was ready.

Now though, one of my very good friends, whom I’ve trusted with everything, well I do not know what to do.  She started having issues with me because of a group we were in together.  So I told her that I would the group.  Then when I was talking to someone from the group about the whole situation that person repeated something to me that was basically word for word what I told my friend in private, offline.  I was completely dumbfounded.  At first I was mad.  I thought she had betrayed my trust.  Then I was like, no let me at least ask her first.  Find out what the deal is, it could just be a coincidence.

So I asked her about it.  I told her: look, I was taking to person X and they said something that I had told you offline, that is totally fine and it is your right to tell her but I was just shocked about it.  She told me that she did not share that information and I said, okay, I believe you, I just was shocked to see my words from someone whom I thought they were not told to.

My friend did not text me back later that day.  So I finally texted her again.  And then again. And finally I was like, look if you need time can you please let me know, because I cannot tell what is going on.  She said I basically accused her of being a liar so yeah she was going to need time.  I never called her a liar.  I’ve tried telling her over and over that I never have.  I even went through the messages again.  I’ve told her I’m sorry it came across that way.

I just told her that I will keep messaging her and tell her that I am sorry everyday.  She said she needed more time.  I told her I cannot do that, I will not loose another friend.  The only way I know how to save our friendship is to keep apologizing to her.

Now I have to go out and be cheery with some of my other friends.  When all I want to do is curl up in bed and just cry and cry and cry.

I have no idea how I am going to go on.  I feel like she will never believe me again and even if she talks to me again it will never be the same because she will always think that I accused her of being a liar.  I just want to run away.  I want to go away and never have to deal with any of this ever again.