Seriously. So in my life outside of the internet I am very shy and very introverted. It takes me along time to trust people. This could be from any number of things: my adoption, my sexual abuse, my rape, or being held up at gun point. Who knows, but I have serious trust issues. I only trust very people who actually know me, my real name and what not, with my secrets. It seems odd considering the fact that I blog about it, but I do not tell you people who I am or how to find me.
So my trust issues mixed with my anxiety disorder makes for a very needy, clingy, but loyal friend. I sometimes tell people bits and pieces because I do not want to scare them off. Am I ashamed of what has happened to me, probably there is a little bit of shame about the rape, because if I wasn’t me but I knew all about me well I would go running as fast as I could in the other direction. But I am stuck with me.
Last year, well almost last year, one of the people who knew all of my secrets decided she could no longer be my friend. I do not blame her, she needed me and as much as I wanted to be there for her I could not. I knew that she might end our friendship over it, but there was just no way around it. I had warning for this though, so I was ready.
Now though, one of my very good friends, whom I’ve trusted with everything, well I do not know what to do. She started having issues with me because of a group we were in together. So I told her that I would the group. Then when I was talking to someone from the group about the whole situation that person repeated something to me that was basically word for word what I told my friend in private, offline. I was completely dumbfounded. At first I was mad. I thought she had betrayed my trust. Then I was like, no let me at least ask her first. Find out what the deal is, it could just be a coincidence.
So I asked her about it. I told her: look, I was taking to person X and they said something that I had told you offline, that is totally fine and it is your right to tell her but I was just shocked about it. She told me that she did not share that information and I said, okay, I believe you, I just was shocked to see my words from someone whom I thought they were not told to.
My friend did not text me back later that day. So I finally texted her again. And then again. And finally I was like, look if you need time can you please let me know, because I cannot tell what is going on. She said I basically accused her of being a liar so yeah she was going to need time. I never called her a liar. I’ve tried telling her over and over that I never have. I even went through the messages again. I’ve told her I’m sorry it came across that way.
I just told her that I will keep messaging her and tell her that I am sorry everyday. She said she needed more time. I told her I cannot do that, I will not loose another friend. The only way I know how to save our friendship is to keep apologizing to her.
Now I have to go out and be cheery with some of my other friends. When all I want to do is curl up in bed and just cry and cry and cry.
I have no idea how I am going to go on. I feel like she will never believe me again and even if she talks to me again it will never be the same because she will always think that I accused her of being a liar. I just want to run away. I want to go away and never have to deal with any of this ever again.