Normally I post earlier in the day, I know. Sorry to shock you. I haven’t been sleeping at night and I think part of it is because I’m not getting my emotions out during the day. It’s weird though because I have started exercising and I thought that would help but not enough it turns out. Last night I swear I think I only got like 3 hours of sleep, and I even slept with, well tried to sleep with, a sleeping mask. Nothing, no sleep happened. I finally gave up around 4:00 AM and just said screw it and I got up.
Anyway, I’m super worried about what Libby is going to do to my family now. I really do not want her trying to use the sexual abuse that happened over two decades ago as some weird custody issue. I really wish that my mom had never told her. I was super mad at my mom at first; I do not know why she felt like she had the right to say anything to Libby. She should have said, I cannot talk about it, that is something you are going to have to ask my daughter about. But she my mom told her so that is that. I have told my mom she really should never speak of it to anyone ever again.
I kind of feel bad for my mom because she said that it is part of our family history that we have to keep private and it feels like we can never truly share everything with anyone. I really do not understand why she would want to share that bit of information with anyone but my mom is different than me in that way. I think she believes that sharing things like that brings people closer together. I have seen too much hatred in this world to ever believe that.
My mom wants all of us to be super close as a family; it was the way her family was before she married my dad. After she married my dad things kind of changed, mostly because they moved around a lot and she was not able to be as close with everyone as she used to be. You have to understand, my mom comes from a family where they had Sunday dinner every week with her parents, grandparents, her 4 aunts and 2 uncles (and their respective spouses), and of course all of the grandkids. It was a big family and they all stayed close through these Sunday dinners. After my mother’s mom passed away those connections became even more necessary for her.
So to go from a family like that to marrying into my dad’s family where my dad and his parents barely got along and he did not get along with his sister, well it was a huge culture shock for her. I think she has always been trying to replace that loss of family that happened when she and my dad got married. Which is why I think she told Libby; normally, my mom is a really good judge of character but when it comes to trying to be accepted she is not able to tell who she should really trust, and whom she shouldn’t.
Anyway, this is just a short post. I think I will post more on the difference between me and my mom tomorrow. And how I believe my adoption makes me much more keenly aware of how awful some people can be, and why I’m so much more guarded than my mom.