Sorry I have not abandon this blog. Real life is evil and stressful, even when there is nothing going on that is directly associated with my PTSD or GAD.
Anyway, I am not going to bore you all with everything that has been going in my RL but I am going to promise that I will post at least once a week until the new year. I am hoping that after the new year I will post more often.
Also, I will always be here to answer your questions so if you want to send me questions, either anonymously or need me to answer them privately than please go ahead and use my ask at tumblr. The questions get emailed to me so I will log in within 24 hours and answer them.
So lets see what can we talk about today? This time of year is a huge trigger time for me. Between all of the stress with family drama (which, I swear if your family doesn’t have any around the holidays I need you to tell me what I am doing wrong. My family can’t even decide whether to give presents or not without it turning into The Geneva Convention, seriously) and the fact that my rape happened around October, I hate winter in general, and just generally crappy things always seem to happen in the fall and winter to me. I am on guard pretty much from October 15th until the end of the year. So how do I deal with this?
Well, thankfully I am on medication. I am a big believe in therapy, and personally I would never start a medical treatment without first talking to a psychologist, clinical social worker, or psychiatrist, but I have been through years of therapy so I am okay with using a little chemical assistance. Especially when without it I am pretty sure that I would not be able to get myself out of bed. I know this because that is what happened a few times.
However in addition to my chemical treatment I do a lot of journaling, not all of it is done online. I do what I like to call a daily verbal check-in with myself, it sounds way better than talking to myself. What I do in these check-ins is go over everything that happened to me that day. Once I do that I ask myself three major questions:
- How do I feel about how I handled today’s events?
- Is there anything that I would do differently?
- Was today a Bad Day, Sad Day, Good Day, or Mad Day. (You can add in other options if you want but I like to limit my choices so that I can really pick one)
- If it was a Sad or Mad Day what happened that made me feel like that?
a. Was there anything that happened that made me notice a sudden mood change?
b. If I can identify why my mood change was my reaction what someone would call “normal” and why or why not?
I find that talking about my reactions that make me sad or mad or scared helps me to figure out what caused me to feel that way. I used to write that down if I thought that I had an actual trigger.
On days when I have set backs it is harder but I have to say to myself: “Okay Laney, that happened. But it does not mean that you can’t try again tomorrow. Tomorrow you will try again and you can do better because you want to do better.”
I know my URL and tumblr title point out how my rape and sexual abuse was a huge turning point in my life, and it was. Nothing that I say or do is going to change the fact that when I was raped or that I was sexual abused by my brother and that for a time I felt like I was less than human. When I first started this website years ago that is why I picked the URL.
I have kept it because I want to remind myself about how far I have come. Yes, my rape did change my life. Yes, it made me feel like I did not deserve to be loved, that I was some how cosmically doomed to be abused for the rest of my life and that I would never be good enough for anyone again. The important thing though is that I have realized that is not true.
Part of my psyche is still damaged, I still am suspicious about people’s motives. I find it hard for people to think that people might find me attractive. But, I no longer feel like I do not deserve to be happy.
For me my URL is more about declaring that while the rape and sexual abuse damaged me it did not break me. I suffer from PTSD and GAD but I do everything that I can to make sure that I do not let those things hold me back from living my life. So my URL is about reminding me that all of this happened to me but every day I keep moving forward, even on days when I have setbacks.
Sorry if this post was a little scattered. I normally try to make them more focused. I’ll do better next time 😉