Hello everyone! I’m really sorry that I have not posted in so long!!! I really meant to post last week but things at work were crazy so I was super tired when I got home. I think things are going to get better now so that is really good.
So today, what should we talk about? How about how triggers can sometimes be a setback for you? Even if you know what your triggers and you feel like you can manage them sometimes things happen and you are just reduced to tears. That happened to me one year during Christmas. It was back in high school before the rape. My brothers were arguing and then N went storming out of the house and slammed the door shut.
I went and hid and cried in my closet for an hour. My mom was really mad at me because she did not realize that I had been triggered. She thought that I was just being a drama queen and since she since she was already mad at my brothers for acting out she got mad at me too. I could not explain to her why I was crying, I did not even understand it.
Looking back now I remember that my brothers fought a lot after N moved back in with us. As a little kid I wanted everyone in my family to be together and be happy. I felt like it was my fault that everyone got split up, not logically, but I was a little kid. So seeing N and S fight like that and having N leave triggered those memories and emotions.
Even though at the time I was really upset with my mom for being angry with me for crying I can understand it today. She was upset too, Christmas is a high stress period, and her sons were just fighting, and now her daughter is crying. That is something that no parents want to happen. So even though she was mad with me I don’t think she was really mad at me, she was just mad at the situation.
Having children with triggers that you don’t even know they have must be super hard. I wish I could have explained it better to her. Once I started going to therapy and she knew more about my panic attacks she was really much more supportive when she saw me have a crying attack for what seemed like no reason. She would even ask me to really think about why I was crying. She was trying to coach me through the attacks; which is something I am really grateful for even today.