So I have had a lot of years to think about why I act the way that I act. I think a lot of it has to do with my adoption and my sexual abuse. My rape really only geared me to having certain reactions towards men my own age, and of course really gave me a nice case of PTSD.
My adoption made me feel very insecure about myself. Even though my parents really did everything that they could to make me feel loved. They never made gave me any reason to think that they loved me any less than my brothers. However, I think for a lot of adoptees it comes down to the basic aspect that your birth mother did not want you. Everyone always says they do it because they feel like they can’t take care of you. They wanted you to have a better life. Maybe it is just human nature though to turn those statements into, she did not want me.
That rejection so early on in your life can have a lasting impact on you. No matter how much therapy you put yourself through. The reason I think therapy is so important is not because it will fix you, it did not fix me. It is important because it gives you the tools you need to help overcome the emotional issues that you face.
After I started going to therapy I still had panic attacks, even on medication I would still have panic attacks. However, with therapy I was able to learn a lot of different techniques that helped me deal with the panic attacks. I was able to recognize my triggers and learn to think different about them when I encountered them.
Sometimes I still feel like my birth mother did not want me. It makes me very sad. However, then I think about my family. My mom, my dad, my brothers, my nieces, and nephews, and I can’t help to feel so happy about the amount of love that I have for all of these people and how much love they have for me. Also, there are my friends. All of these people who would have never been in my life if I had not been adopted. Thinking about that helps me too.
I am not saying that I am grateful, or that my parents expect me to be grateful. I know that there are some adoptess out there who feel like they have to be grateful to their adoptive parents. I love my adoptive parents, I am not grateful to them, I know this because there are times that I want to rip their heads off, just like you would with a family who was all biological. In my case I think the only people who feel grateful about my adoption are my parents, they are grateful to my birth mother because she was able to trust them enough to give them her child. I personally will never understand the amount strength it must have taken for either my parents or my birth mom to go through this whole process, but I know that they made it through it.
Being sexual abused by my brother did not change my view of my family. I am pretty sure that because there were not that many incidents and that my mother took me seriously are the only reasons why my brother and I are able to have the relationship we have today. However, the sexual abuse did affect my relationship with others. Maybe it is from the fact that N got removed from the house, or maybe it is because of the act itself, but I find that even to this day I have a nasty habit of over-sharing, this is not good in the work place. I also used to be fairly manipulative with pretty much everyone around me. I wanted everyone to like me best, so I always told them what they wanted to hear.
Therapy has helped me to realize that I do these things. I think being aware this has helped me to develop healthier ways to have relationships with people. At least I hope it has.
Anyway, if you want me to ask me anything or want me to blog about anything specific please just let me know.