Another Day (possible trigger warning)


I am feeling better after yesterday’s set back.  I guess that is good.  I still think I really need to find a new doctor.  I have talked to a couple of my friends and they agree with me so I probably will not be going back to that doctor.  Oh well.

So we were talking about my journey back to therapy.  I have to say that as someone who strongly believes that therapy can help you I do not make the best patient.  I go into therapy thing, I am going to be open, I am not going to hold anything bad, and I am not going to worry about what this person thinks about me because they are on my side.

These are all very good intentions and what I think happens to be a pretty good approach o doing therapy.  It’s a lot easier to say than actually do.  Especially when you are basically opening up your soul and telling everything to a total stranger.

The only way that I have ever gotten through this is to basically go numb and go on auto pilot when I do this.  Sort of detach myself from the story I am telling.  Probably not the healthiest way to handle situation but it works for me.

One of the first questions any therapist is going to ask you is why you are there and what you expect to get out of the therapy.  My answer was complicated.  Firstly, I didn’t know there was a program like this on campus, secondly I just felt kind of lost and disconnected from everything after the kids on my floor died.  I told Erica that I wanted to clear my head again and be to not obsess so much on the darker thoughts inside my head.

She asked me what I meant about darker thoughts.  I took a while to answer.  It was basically that I just kept feeling like a lot of bad things were happening to me.  I said that I knew it sounded selfish but after that kid died I realized that it hadn’t been more than a year where my life was marked with some kind of tragedy and I wanted to stop feeling that I was living under a dark cloud.

I am not going to bore you with all of the details of my therapy sessions but every time I was and talked about the rape it made me feel different.  I finally had the conviction that what happened to me was rape.  It happened against my will, even though I had made Stephen use a condom it did not matter.  I said that I did not to have sex with him.  I felt like the only way that I was going to get out of his house was to have sex with him.  He manipulated me into making me think that I was actually okay with everything that happened even though I wasn’t.

Sometimes, I wish that I could tell my parents about what happened to me.  Like yesterday I really wanted to call my mom after my horrible doctor’s appointment but I did not.  Mostly because I really felt like the reason that I broke down had to do with the rape and how was I going to explain to her how I felt when I still wasn’t ready, all these years later to tell her about the rape.

Maybe one day I will tell her about it.  Not today though, probably not tomorrow either.  Oh just a heads up.   My next post is going to be talking about my triggers, but I won’t be making it until Monday.  If you have any questions, just submit them as a comment or an ask.