Sadness

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I am sad now… I get like this sometimes because well now I’m off all of my medication which I think is a good thing because I didn’t want to be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life, the thought of doing so just depresses me. Anyway I talked with my mom and tonight and I brought up some stuff from the past, an old fight because I wanted her to understand what happens in our family. I really don’t think she sees how much angst Jed causes for everyone. We love, we have to, he is good person when he wants to be, but he is also the biggest brat in the world and feels the need to tell everyone how to run their lives, or what they could be doing differently because what they are doing is not the right way, it’s wrong. He is like my mother but she has learned how to stop when we tell her that we are going to do it our way. There is a lot of her personality in his, more so than my father’s. I have the my father’s passiveness but my mother’s stubbornness combined with the need to her show her that she has to see all sides of any story, which is basically telling her how to view things I know, but I get that from her too.
I don’t know if it’s easier for me to view what goes on in my family from a third party perspective because I feel like a third party a lot the time. I don’t feel attached to anyone in my family; I think I have the strongest attachment to my brother Todd. I don’t talk to him a lot, not as much as my mother, but I feel like we understand each other more. I talk to my mom a lot because I want her approval all the time. I want her to be proud of me and I need the constant reassurance that she is.
The whole thing makes me sad really. I think I’m just gonna go to bed now. I don’t feel good and there is a lump in my throat the size of a grapefruit, it hurts a lot.
Oh I had to give my Mei-Mei to my friend Brad today because well there is no place in Maryland that will let me move in with three cats. I miss her a lot. But she and Emmitt were always fighting and I really felt like it wasn’t fair to them. I wish they got along because Johnson and I loved Mei-Mei lots. I’ll probably add a few more pictures to the Mei-Mei cam before I take it down later this month.
TTYL!
Laterz!